Am I Broken

I see a new mom 

With a baby

And a piece of me thinks

Maybe 

But deep inside of me

I don’t feel that ache 

I don’t long 

To be a mom

I don’t wish to see my baby grow

And watch them change

And experience life

I don’t wake up at night 

Wishing I was growing a life

But instead wondering 

If I missed my birth control 

And sometimes 

When my period is late

I hold onto my stomach 

And wonder 

What would it feel like

What would it be like

To be growing that life?

And then I see

The red stained panties

And I breathe a sigh of relief 

Knowing I get to be selfish 

And not share my body

With a baby 

And every time it happens 

I wonder

Is something inside of me broken?

When my ovaries formed 

Was there a defect 

That made me not want 

A baby?

There is a small piece of me

That knows

I would be a good mom

And any child

Would be created in love

But the love for freedom 

And the desire 

For non sticky surfaces 

Is always there 

Lingering 

Yet there are still so many days 

I feel like I’m grieving 

For the decision I’ve made

To not have a baby 

And I start to regret 

Before I remember 

The thought of raising a child

Makes me unhappy 

And I still cannot help but wonder

Am I broken?

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