On Days Like These, I Wish I Believed

On days like these

I wish I believed

In Heaven

Wished I believed

In the great beyond

And that something wonderful

Waits for us

Because with the chill in the air

And the leaves falling

I think of you

It’s been almost a decade,

Since I got the news

Easter Sunday

Was essentially ruined

I called you frantically

Again, and again

Only to be met with your voicemail

I reached out

To friends of friends

Choking on sobs

And waiting to hear

What I already knew what true

Even if I wish it wasn’t

You were the smartest

The brightest

The wisest

The one I looked up too

The one I loved

And oh, how I loved you

Your smart brown eyes

And hugs

That could turn around the darkest day

You weren’t my brother by blood

But by heart

Your funeral was one of the hardest days

I knew it would be then

And I know it is now

Walking into that funeral home

Clutching myself, knowing

That there would never be another hug

Another smile

Or asking your advice

And knowing

That the last thing you saw

Was a gun barrel

When you took your own life

And oh, how I wish,

A decade later

That I hadn’t hung the moon on you

Wished I hadn’t asked for as much

Needed as much

From you

Because I can never shake the feeling

The emotions that leave me reeling

That I was part of the cause

Of you finding that solution

And I don’t have much left of you

Though I loved you so much

Time and distance took their toll

So, I am left reading old messages

And looking through other people’s photos

Wondering,

What you would have been

What you could have been

And those thoughts hurt even more

Because I didn’t recognize the signs

Didn’t know what to look for

Until it was over and done

And so painfully obvious

There were things I could have done

And on days like these

When it is almost your birthday

I wish I could believe in a Heaven

Wish I could believe that I could still talk to you

Still tell you

How much you’re in my head

To tell you how much I love you

And have faith that in someway

You would hear me –

And if you heard me, the brush of the wind

Stirring my hair

Could be a response

That you love me too

And that it wasn’t my fault

And maybe for today – 

Just for today

I can believe in Heaven

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