I had my weekly appointment with my therapist to discuss how I have been doing lately. And is that not a fun question to have to ask yourself? Under normal circumstances sure, but in the middle of a pandemic where it feels as though my country is literally ripping itself apart at the seems due to politics? My problems, compared to that, seem rather small. They might be rather small, at least to other people.
But honestly, I have not been feeling well lately. Not physically, but mentally. I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin. I fidget and tap, pace, sigh, do yoga, try to focus, and then repeat all of them in the span of ten minutes. I use an application called Dr on Demand, and I am in love with this app because it has been a life saver. And being able to meet with my therapist while in the middle of a pandemic has been nice.
And as I explained to him what has been happening, and how I have been feeling, he told me that the anxiety that I have been experiencing is something that happens when you do not necessarily feel safe within your own skin. (I am paraphrasing obviously because he used a bit more technical terms but I don’t remember what they are).
I have been thinking about that non stop since he said it. “I don’t feel safe within my own skin” is such an uncomfortable and almost damning phrase to say. It is my skin. The skin I have lived in and functioned in for 26 years of life, and now I am getting the wrench thrown into it that I don’t feel safe in it? As I have been thinking about it, part of me wants to go “that is complete and utter crap. Of course I feel safe in my skin.” Which, unfortunately, that is the easy answer. The hard answer, is I guess I do not always feel safe and comfortable in my own skin. Some days I feel as though if I forget to do something the entire world is going to implode. As if I have that power.
The tapping I do, the fidgeting, the raveling and unraveling my measurer for sewing, is apparently my mind trying to find safety and comfort in my own skin and it kind of makes me want to cry. There are days I try to dodge my own uncertain thoughts and ideas, try to convince myself that everything is ok. And good gosh that is not an easy thing to do.
Everything is not ok. I am not ok, and obviously my brain is trying to Morse code that message out. But you know what? It is ok that I am not ok. Why? Because I am working on it. I am trying to be a better person for myself. And if it takes me tapping and fidgeting to get there, that is what I am going to do.